Crazy thoughts…

I just don’t know what to say anymore… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m trying to escape with a trip here, a trip there… but I feel like i have no pulse.

I really sometimes feel like telling my mom, that this is it… and if they can’t find a solution for me, get ready for me to live the rest of my life alone. Because this is it. HE is it.

I have such horrible scenarios in my head, sometimes… I feel like, what if I get cancer, would that knock some sense into everyone? Or if I was in a horrible accident. Even worse, and I so HATE to say this, it is such a horrible horrible thing to think, but I sometimes think… if my parents weren’t alive, I would so go ahead and be with him in any way I can.

This is how desperate i am right now, to be with my one…

I hope time will make things better. But I know time, and I know how I feel… and I have my doubts. Time fails me… life always fails me in these things.

And I really don’t know why! I think I would be an amazing wife and mother, we would have such a brilliant life together… I know it.

God please help me stop thinking that death would be so much better for me right now, than feeling this way.

I’m tired.

Read Full Post »

Day 4…

I’m not seeing any improvement day to day, the pain is still very much the same and I miss you like crazy. You texted me yesterday… that you had this special dried meat from Switzerland for me if I’m interested… I could have been heartless and ignored you or just replied no thanks… but I was nice, and said thank you for thinking of me, but no thanks. You asked why, did I stop eating or am I on a diet or am I replying no out of sheer boycott… I replied that I am dieting, and eating with the parents nowadays, and will be fasting again soon… your reply was 😛

I hate it when you text me. I get excited and nervous, and so very sad. But at the same time, I like it, because I know you are still thinking of me and I mean something to you.

You are posting about your trip next week… I miss our trips. I miss falling asleep in your arms and being awakened by your kisses all over my face… We had such amazing memories.

I am trying to block out the feelings, trying not to be sad… I am trying to take it out on the gym, hoping it would help me sleep… but that didn’t work yesterday. I couldn’t fall asleep, and kept imagining us together… and thankful that I made the most out of every second we were together… the memories and images keep rushing in my mind, and they break my heart over and over again.

I hope things will get better, I want to be better… I want to feel stronger to move on. I am not putting my hopes on the possibility of you changing your mind, because I don’t think you will. Because you are stubborn, and you will not sacrifice… maybe this is for the best.

Today gym again, and again, I hope I don’t see you, though I doubt. Today is the last day of the week… we usually do something. My heart aches with the thought that you may be doing something with another girl today.

I love you, but I hate you so much!

Read Full Post »

Day 2…

Is not much easier than the first day. How can you send me a message saying you love me and always will???? You’re the one who is doing this and asking for this… YOU are the one who gave up on us, said you want SPACE and to see OTHER PEOPLE. And then you send me another text saying would I prefer to cut off completely?? WTF, are you fucking kidding me??????

I will NOT reply to you… I hope you are suffering, I hope it is eating away at your heart and soul… I hope you regret this forever!!!!

And if you end up realizing your big mistake, I hope you do it SOON and QUICK… because no matter how weak I seem, no matter how shattered and destroyed… I always pick myself back up. My mind is strong, I can imagine what I want out of life, what I need to feel and do, and eventually do it. So, if you are to realize your mistake, you better do it quick and redeem yourself and beg for forgiveness… and do WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE so we can be together… before it’s too late.

I’m going to the gym today, I am planning a serious session… I really hope not to run into you… but if I do, I don’t plan on talking to you. If you say hello, I will say hello back and continue doing what I need to do. I just really pray not to see you, I really don’t want to.

God help me and continue to give me strength to live through this and make me strong… help me continue my life in a productive way and not be pulled down by this.

I hate you. I really do. I hope you are SUFFERING and that this haunts you forever.

And don’t forget, this is what you wanted… this is what you asked for… so here you go, I’m giving it to you on a silver platter. BON APETIT!!!!!!

Read Full Post »

The first day

The first day is always the hardest… once you pass those 24 hours, you will slowly start to feel better… I can’t promise you that, but there is hope… Silence speaks louder than words, remember that. And remember that if someone loves you as much as you thought they did, they would do anything to be with you… and they would not be able to bare being with anyone else, because it would just feel wrong… even if that is the way they cope with things. If he is really doing that, HE WAS NOT MEANT FOR YOU, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, YOU HAVE AN AMAZING HEART AND SOUL… YOU WILL BE OK. Don’t forget everything you have ever believed in:

What is mean to be will be

God never gives you more than you can handle

Everything happens for a reason

You are STRONG enough… you have strong beliefs. You have hope and faith in God and that things will be OK. Do what you need to do to move on… if you see him, you don’t have to talk to him… there is no such thing is courtesy towards the bastard who blatantly tells you he loves you, but he has to create space because you can’t be together, so he will be going out with girls… he IS a single guy you know, after all, and it’s not like he will sit at home on his ass!!!!!!

MY REPLY:

FUCK HIM! THAT BASTARD! THAT LYING ASS HOLE WHO ONLY THINKS WITH HIS DICK… FUCK HIM, HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! I HOPE HE IS MISERABLE FOREVER, AND I HOPE HE IS HURTING SO MUCH, AND I HOPE HE WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER THIS AND THAT HE WILL NEVER END UP WITH ANYONE, AND THAT IF HE DOES, I HOPE HIS LIFE IS MISERABLE AND SHE DRIVES HIM UP THE WALL AND SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY AND CHEATS ON HIM AND GIVES HIM AN STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HOPE HE ONE DAY FEELS THE PAIN WHICH I COULD NEVER IMAGE FEELING… I NEVER THOUGH MY ACTUAL SOUL CAN SHATTER AND HURT THIS MUCH… I AM SO DONE WASTING MY ENERGY ON HIM. WHAT WE HAD WAS A FUCKING ILLUSION, A DREAM THAT LASTED 8 MONTHS AND THEN I WOKE UP TO FUCKING REALITY. FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I REFUSE TO SHED ANY MORE TEARS FOR HIM, IF I HAVE TO BOTTLE IT UP DEEP INSIDE AND EXPLODE. I AM DONE. I AM SO DONE. I AM SICK AND TIRED…. I AM SO STUPID TO KEEP OPENING MY HEART AND MY SOUL TO LOVE, AND COMPLETELY TRUST AND GIVE IN TO IT. EVERY TIME I GET FUCKING HURT, AND I NEVER LEARN. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TRUE LOVE… TRUE LOVE WOULD NEVER STAB YOU IN THE BACK AND HURT YOU ON PURPOSE LIKE THIS… TRUE LOVE WOULD NOT MAKE IT POSSIBLE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHEN YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVE SOMEONE. TRUE LOVE WOULD NOT MAKE YOU GIVE UP ON FINDING SOLUTIONS, AND ON DECIDING ON THINGS JUST BY YOURSELF.

I AM DONE. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. I HATE YOU. I DESPISE YOU. MAY YOU ROT IN YOUR OWN FILTHY LIES, AND MAY YOUR HEART AND SOUL BREAK INTO A TRILLION PIECES WHICH CAN NEVER BE REPAIRED. MAY YOU REMAIN A BROKEN PERSON. MAY YOU  NEVER SEE LIFE OR ENJOY IT THE WAY YOU USED TO.

I HATE THAT YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME, AND IN THIS WAY… I DON’T DESERVE THIS. FUCK YOU. YOU ARE A MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. EVER.

Read Full Post »