I just don’t know what to say anymore… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m trying to escape with a trip here, a trip there… but I feel like i have no pulse.
I really sometimes feel like telling my mom, that this is it… and if they can’t find a solution for me, get ready for me to live the rest of my life alone. Because this is it. HE is it.
I have such horrible scenarios in my head, sometimes… I feel like, what if I get cancer, would that knock some sense into everyone? Or if I was in a horrible accident. Even worse, and I so HATE to say this, it is such a horrible horrible thing to think, but I sometimes think… if my parents weren’t alive, I would so go ahead and be with him in any way I can.
This is how desperate i am right now, to be with my one…
I hope time will make things better. But I know time, and I know how I feel… and I have my doubts. Time fails me… life always fails me in these things.
And I really don’t know why! I think I would be an amazing wife and mother, we would have such a brilliant life together… I know it.
God please help me stop thinking that death would be so much better for me right now, than feeling this way.
I’m tired.
First step is for you to go back and read your post of August 30 – the First Day. Remember the anger and the pain this person caused you. He is not someone for you to love, for he did not love you and that caused you pain, anguish and anger. It would happen again if you were with him now. Do you want to live this two months again?
Hash words? Perhaps so, but there is nothing surer in life (other than death and taxes) that we cannot make another love us. All we can control is ourselves.
Yes, you may well be an amazing wife and mother – but not with this man – with someone else.
This is also worth thinking about – a very wise male friend of mine once said, “No one ever steals anyone – they give themselves away.” He was right.
Thank you for your comment. That entry was me trying to build up anger and hatred towards him… he didn’t really do anything wrong at that point. I have seen him 2 – 3 times since, and we keep talking and exploring options extensively, to no avail. Yesterday, I was very hurt to hear he already started trying to date, to see if he can “settle” for second best, or whatever it is… he wants a family, and I understand that, but it still hurt like hell hearing it.
I know this man is for me… But unless he converts or we try and find another solution and keep trying, we cannot be together. I even told him for me, it’s enough to stay together and not get married, at least we are together… but he thinks that is not fair for either of us. For me, he is my one, and no one else… and I am trying to learn how to live my life without him. It is impossible.
He loves me, I do not have to steal him… and I have given myself completely to him… but what to do.
I wasn’t implying you stole him. I saw a reference to another woman in one of your posts and understood that to mean you felt she has stolen him from you. I apologise, I didn’t read every one of your posts – so I am unclear on the reference to converting. Can you point me to the post where you cover that issue?
I also saw another blog http://caitysaidso.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/six-little-words/ which may not apply to you, but it was wise words from another person moving on.
I can understand if you are being kept from the one you love by another force (a need to convert). I will read more of your posts to get a fuller understanding of your situation.
Keep strong!
You want to hear something funny, I JUST watched that movie last night for the 2nd time
But to be honest, it doesn’t apply here… he loves me so much… he is just going through an internal struggle with the converting thing, and other factors have to do with it. I am about to write another blog post now… for there is hope. I hope.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr – I found the post! I see. Neither of you should need to convert, my dear. There is no need for it. In some countries, such as my husband’s homeland, such marriages are common, the difference seen as no more than we in Australia would view the difference between Catholics and Anglicans.
If you are in America, I can understand his reluctance to convert. I will not convert, not because I have any fear, simply because I do not believe in gods. My husband does not understand that, but he respects my choice to not believe. For me to convert would mean I would become a hypocrite by going against my own beliefs and that is not something I could do.
It doesn’t matter to me, to convert or not convert… the problem is my parents, and the fact that we live in a country that does not accept Civil weddings… therefore, for a marriage to be legal and kids to be legitimate, he needs to convert. I told him, he can still practice whatever he wants, we can teach the children both sides or just our common beliefs and values… Unfortunately, it is the only way for us to be together properly. The other option is to elope and upset everyone, run off and be illegal in your own country should you ever come back… and that is a terrible thing.
I am so surprised there is a country that doesn’t recognise Civil marriages. In New Zealand, for example, Civil marriages are the ONLY marriage recognised.
How does you country deal with immigrants from other countries? Fro example, if a New Zealand married couple migrated to your country, what happens?
Leaving your coutnry is not so bad – I did it and my husband is doing it.
Funnily enough, I went back to my country of birth 10 years ago, could not stay. We change once we leave.
If someone is married via Civil Marriage outside of the country and they are not citizens of my country, it is fine. But if I went outside and had a civil marriage and came back, I would be in an illegal, unrecognized marriage, and any kids would be considered illegitimate. Most Muslim countries do not recognize Civil marriages, because they are ruled by the Sharia law.