Restarting

I really need to get back to blogging. It used to make me feel so much better (so did the gym).

So much is going on in my life, I don’t even know where to start… from breaking up with the love of my life, to my best friend moving away, to me and my family’s life being threatened…

I guess saying you are going to start again is at least something, isn’t it?

A passing by prayer…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Meant to be…

F*** meant to be!

Being true to yourself

Being true to yourself is very hard. But I think we come to a point where we realize we have to, otherwise we will never get what we want, succeed, or be content with anything. And I say “content” because I believe “happiness” lasts for a very short time… but contentment, can last a lifetime.

In any case, I decided to live my last year in my 20’s (29th year) fully being true to myself. I sat and thought what that means to me, and here is what I came up with:

1) Putting yourself first - Think of yourself first. Think of what is good for you, stop sacrificing your feelings, time and energy for others, especially if it is not reciprocated by others. Know what works for your, and what doesn’t, and do not compromise on that. Take care of your mind, body and soul… make sure you are healthy and at peace with yyourself in all these aspects. Treasure yyourself, for you are the only person you have.

2) Understand and acknowledge your values… and stick to them – As we grow up and as time goes by, we find ourselves less flexible in what are values are. When we are young, we can quickly change our opinions about things, from experience, peer pressure, what’s “in”, and based on the present situation. But as we get older, it will not help for us to keep changing our minds and values so much, because then we lose our true self, and we lose sight of what we want out of life, in many aspects.

Know what your values are, and make sure they are truly your values. That is not to say we won’t have room to alter things, but I believe it should be minimized, in order for us to understand ourselves, what we want out of life, and to finally be able to be true to our self.

3) Do what you are passionate about, what you love and enjoy – This is hard, for many reasons. Firstly, most people don’t know what they love and enjoy, they haven’t found what they are truly passionate about. And when they do, circumstances (whether economical, familial or what not) may hinder them being able to follow this.

I say, if you know what you are passionate about, do something about it. When there is a will, there is a way… it may take sometime and a couple of extra steps and a lot of effort, but it is all worth it at the end.

4) In love, be with he / she who will treat you like a King / Queen… and do the same – Why should you give yourself anything less? You deserve the best, and you should be treated that way. I am not saying be a snob, materialistic, or make the other put all the effort… but he / she should definitely make you feel like you are the center of their world, like everything you think, feel or say matters so much to them, and that without you, life would not mean anything. Make sure you feel the same… otherwise, proceed with caution (if at all).

5) Let go of the past – It is nice to sit and reminisce about the past, feel nostalgic and remember both the good and the bad times. It brings us a sense of comfort, and makes us feel like we did at that time. But until we are able to keep the past in the past, we cannot move forward. If the past is holding you back, let it go. It can hold on to your concentration (i.e. constant flashbacks, reminders and distraction), your emotions (i.e. stifle and occupy your emotions, feelings and ability to love), and it can prevent you from taking risks (i.e. your fear due to past experience can hold you back from taking chances in the present and in the future).

I realize it is easier said than done, and I for one haven’t been able to do this completely (especially now that I just broke up with my boyfriend less than 10 days ago), but I know it is important for me to do in order to move on, and be able to take risks, enjoy life, and open up my heart to someone else.

6)  Take risks – What’s life without taking risks? Do you seriously want to sit there 5, 10, 20 years down the line and think “what if” or wonder where the boat left you off? No. You will never know without taking risks. You will never find what you want, without continuously searching for it, disappointment after disappointment, heartbreak after heartbreak… The day you give up and stop taking risks, is the day that your life truly ends, not when you take your last breath. Take risks. Give yourself a chance… be true to yourself. You owe yourself at least that.

7) Time alone- I think its important that, since you are putting yourself first, loving yourself, and taking care of yourself, it is important to take some time for yourself. Whether its to think, do something for yourself, whatever… being alone puts you at peace with yourself, helps you think and understand yourself. This also applies relationship wise… sometimes, not being in a relationship clears your mind, and helps you see what you want to do in your life rather than thinking of just getting married or building what you want to do in your life around that person. It takes strength and courage to be able to spend time by yourself.

 8) Stop lying to yourself- You suck at socializing? That’s ok… don’t pretend you don’t. You don’t like kids? You hate your job? You are sick of acting fake in front of your husband’s colleagues? There is no shame in that. Stop pretending you are something you are not, and start acting like who you truly are. It is such a relief to do so, an amazing sense of freedom. No more wasted energy in forcing a smile, remembering that you do love teniis when you hate it, or that life is perfect. Be honest with yourself. You are you regardless of what you tell the world or try to convince yourself… so learn to love it, because you are stuck with it.

Emptiness

I haven’t heard from him in 8 days. But that’s probably because I told him I need to distance myself from him, and that I will be in touch.

I do feel empty, I will not deny. Something (or rather someone) is missing from my life, my heart… and more importantly, my soul.

Its a sad thing when something like this happens… but I have to be true to myself and do what is best.

The End

After many attempts of trying to make it work, being patient, keeping my hopes up and having faith… I ended it with him. Not for lack of love, not for lack of patience or not having hope, but because nothing was going through to him. My frustrations, my emotions, my need for him to keep in touch and make me feel like I am with him in our long distance relationship, were not recognized. My need for him to place me as a priority in his life (notice, “a” priority… not “THE” priority), was also never fulfilled. I asked him to think about things, take some time, and then we can meet and discuss how to make this work (since he did say he wants to try and he will put more effort)… and all he had to say to me was:

“Lets not think about it or talk about it. Lets just see how things go… I will put more effort.”

After a few days of thinking about things, I expected at least examples… like “Honey, I know how much it means to you to hear from me everyday… so I promise I will at least text you once a day, but most likely twice… you know, I know how much you like to get your good mornings and good nights… so that is what I can promise you.”

Really, its not much to ask.

At the end, I have come to the conclusion that we just keep discussing the same things over and over, with no change… and its just a wast of time and energy. I do love him and believe he is the one for me, but I have to be honest with myself and love myself more, and not accept anything less than what I deserve.

And what I deserve is someone who loves me so much that he would do anythig for me (of course within reason, I am not unreasonable!). Someone who will get bothered if I am bothered (just like I am when he is), who will put the effort to make me feel like we are together if we are in a long distance relationship… who will tell me how he feels about me, with actual words, and not just replace “me too” or “same”. Someone who puts me on the top of his list.

In any case… I guess it just came to the point where I have come to place my fate in God’s hands, and to truly give in to what I believe: What is meant to be will be, no matter what… and Everything happens for a reason.

I believe that sometimes people need to lose what they got to realize what they have… since most of the time it is taken for granted. Maybe he will… maybe he won’t. I truly believe that either way, I am better off.

Confessions in an unsent letter – December 15, 2008

My dearest —–,

It is past noon now, on Monday, December 15th, 2008, the day we ended our amazing vacation together – our first proper vacation.

I cannot begin to describe to you what I am feeling right now, being without you. You have become such an integral part of my life, in such a short time. The love I feel for you is truly nothing like I have every felt before… I thought in the past, that I loved… that I was deeply in love.

But I was so wrong.

For, nothing… NOTHING… every made me feel the way I do right now. You literally complete me, and without you, I feel so lost. I cannot imagine a day without you, let alone an hour or a minute.

I truly know now, that you are the one for me… and I don\’t want to be with anyone else. If not you, then no one. I have found my soul mate, my partner, my best friend in you… the one person in the world who can make me feel truly happy, even if just by being next to me playing a video game!

I know I should be grateful for finding you, for the moments we do get to spend together, and that I Should look forward to seeing you again, hopefully very soon. And I am grateful, I do look forward to it… but do you blame me for wanting more? I know it might sound cheesy, buy my very being ACHES when we\’re not together. You are always, ALWAYS, on my mind… I am always thinking of you, no matter what I\’m doing.

I don\’t know if I will every give you this letter… because it scares me, now more than ever, to realize and admit to myself, and to you, how much I feel my life and happiness, my energy and fulfillment, depend on being with you. I have never allowed myself to give in, I never allowed anyone to have that type of power over me… like you do. I have always been in control, at least for the most part, of my life, of how intensely I feel towards anyone. And look at me now, I am just a huge mess without you, I feel I\’m falling apart.

With you, I am naked, with nothing on me to protect my vulnerable heart, my exposed soul. I am me, with my feelins and love for you plastered on my face, seeping from my eyes.

I am giving myself to you, 100%, even if you may not want me the same way I want you. Even if you do not feel as strongly or as urgently as I feel about you. Even if, for whatever reasons, you still haven\’t or don\’t reach the pont of allowing yourself to vie in, to surrender, to these intesne feelings of love, exposing yourself, standing vulnerably infront of me, just as I am standing and surrendering to you.

I love you, and now I finally know the real, true meaning of what that means, not what I thought i meant over 28 years of my life, and its not what or how anyone has ever explained it. I lov eyou, and I now see that there is a fine line between love and madness, not love and hate. I now understand how one can become so consumed with this drug, the drug of his loved one, his infatuation, the reason why he / she was born… and how one can lose his / her mind from losing a loved one, or from being so far away from them.

I can\’t ask much of you, for I know how much you have been through over the years, and how you may have reached a point where you don\’t feel you can fully trust yourself, let alone another person. I do not claim to know exactly what you have been through, but I do want you to know, that I, as well, have been hurt, that I have lost faith, have lot the trust in myself… I have lived through many of life\’s \”funny jokes\” and all that its had to throw at me, and I thought I would never love again. I thought I was meant to go on by myself, face life alone, with an armour around my heart, and bars blocking the windows of my soul.

But then I met you. And all I ever feared, all I ever built around me to protect myself, crumbled. And I stand infront of you, naked, trembling, scared like I\’ve never been scared before… knowing that by surrendering myself so completely to you may have devestating effects should you hurt me, should I lose you, even if I\’m away from you… but I accept that, for you are the only one I want, the only one I need… ever. And I mean that.

Maybe time might help bring down the barriers, the fear you have build around yourself…  maybe after settling down, building the career you have always wanted, it will help stablize your life, and maybe one day you will want me by your side forever. Just like I want you, forever. Maybe. That is a word that will haunt me for months to come, that will be the word that will keep the sparks of hope in my petrified soul… hope that \”maybe\” will not last too long to be able to dig scars in my tortured heart.

Maybe.

I have learned that man is best to be left to venture onto the road of life, and realize its lessons and gain its wisdom on his own… I had to do it, it is how I became who I am today, it is how my sould and heart learned their lessons. I will leave you to learn yours, and to realize your own priorities, and I can only hope that they will include me, and that the \”maybe\” will become a positive reality.

Today is December 15, 2008… I reflect to the past and leave it there, just in the past… and I look forward to my future, our future, filled with maybes and leading to positive reality… and hope that it will be enough to comfort me during the long, lonely nights without you by my side, to hold me, kiss my forehead, and to cover me when the blanket exposes my cold, vulnerable skin… just like I hope you will, one day, maybe… cover me, as I wait scared, naked, trembling and exposed infront of you… infront of the maybes surrounding me, echoing in the empty dark caves of my soul.

Maybe, on day, I will give you this letter. Maybe. And maybe, by then, you would have let me incompletely, and permanently, into your soul. Maybe.

 

Love,

Me.

Love

I’m not really sure if I believe in that word anymore. I used to. It was easier, back then, when you were young… more naive… with only fairytales and movies to go on. It was normal, then, to have such a perfect image of how love is supposed to be… how full of complete sacrafices, romance, passion, all-or-nothing type of things.

Now, that image is shattered. Each time you think you “love” someone… you keep trying to convince yourself that this is “the one” for you, that things are AMAZING. It might just be that, you love the current person you are with more than the last, and yes, maybe they treat you a bit different… but there is still a lot missing.

I was hanging out with a friend last night, and there were a few things that she said to me, that struck me:

• Each person knows themself… they know what they can / can’t handle… their routine, habits, what annoys them, what doesnt… what they value, what they don’t… (very true)
• When you are with someone, sometimes you don’t realize that they don’t posses the same types of values, or that they don’t treat you the way you know you want to be treated in a relationship (no matter how “big” or “small” of a difference that is…. and that’s ok, because hopefully at some point, you will (also true)
• But… if you are with someone, and you recognize that these things just don’t fit with you, they are not you, and that you will not be happy… and put up with it… well, that is just “self destructive”… (WOW!)

Makes me think… have I been (and am I still), self-destructive? It could very possibly be.

The problem is, I keep trying to reassess my current relationship. At so many points, I felt so fully in love with him, that he is the one… yet at other times, I just feel there are so many things that are missing. They may sound simple and unimportant to others, but to me, these things add up. The small things are what make a difference!

He will be coming back in town for a few months mid April. I have a trip planned 3rd week of May for my birthday… if he doesn’t make the effort to join (and confirm by the beginning of May), I will be taking a break to reassess things.

To come back to the subject… another person I recently met asked me if I believed in love. I told him, yes to a certain extent of course, but I don’t believe it lasts. I used to so fully believe in love before, in the “nothing else matters” concept, of full sacrafice and absolutely diving into it, giving 10000% of yourself.

He asked, but do you believe in love that is love, like the crazy passionate love fully from the heart, or the love that is from the brain, i.e. you meet the person, you are friends, and slowly you see how you both fit together and convince yourself that you love each other? I said, I believe in balancing both, the heart and the mind. But do I really believe that? I don’t know!!

My first love was crazy. Literally. (I will leave that to another entry).

But to be honest, I am really thinking now. I don’t know what I believe in anymore… and like I wrote in my previous post, I don’t know what life I want either, in every aspect. I am lost.

Maybe that’s why I called my blog “Lost Soul.”

Does this life belong to me?

Don’t know if anyone of you have experienced it, but do you sometimes look around at your life, what you have become… your work, friends, everything… and think… was this what was meant for me? IS this what is meant for me…???

There are many times, in my head, where I live my other lives… those that would have resulted from different choices that I could have made – if I was selfish.

Many times, I feel bored: with my work, friends, routine…

Many times, I feel stuck: with my relationships, where I am living, my job…

You ask me, what do I really want to do with my life? I couldn’t answer you. I have had many things I have wanted to do… and never ended up doing any of them. Except, of course, for the non-selfish choice.

They say your true life is that which you would have lived with the choices you wanted to make… For me, I would have had many, yet I still don’t know what I want.

Tough day at the gym…

Wow. Today was my second personal training session… and let me just say, it was tough. Damn tough. My muscles are so dead, I can barely lift my legs or my arms, let alone type this… but I so want to do this!!!

I really feel its about time I get in shape and start taking care of myself… not just for the sake of weight loss, but I want to feel good about myself. For MYSELF.

I just have to keep myself motivated during the actual session itself… There are certain exercises that I can’t do more than 20 repetitions a set, when my trainer wanted me to do 30. By the end of 10 sessions, she expects me to do 100 sit ups… CONSECUTIVELY!

Definitely a challenge… and I am so up for it. I just have to stick to it.