Reborn Hope…

I thought he had made up his mind… that this was a done deal… but I can see the internal struggles he is going through… I’ve seen him over the last 2 days, both of us crying in each others’ arms… sharing, fearing… and today, he asked for 2 days to himself, he needs to think, seek advice and finally make a decision about us, and about his life…

I’m trying not to be too optimistic, but this has to be positive… to have reached this stage. All his messages today read “my focus is us”… “you are the most important person to me, no one else matters”…

And most confusing was the first email today, saying he had 2 questions for me… the first was whatever… the second he said  he can’t ask unless he is sure… and BAM hope is reborn… I hope not to be killed again… I asked him, sure of what? He said, sure of his decision because he can’t sit on the fence anymore, his life needs to take a direction.

Please… pray for me… I really love this man and I know we would be so very happy together…

Crazy thoughts…

I just don’t know what to say anymore… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m trying to escape with a trip here, a trip there… but I feel like i have no pulse.

I really sometimes feel like telling my mom, that this is it… and if they can’t find a solution for me, get ready for me to live the rest of my life alone. Because this is it. HE is it.

I have such horrible scenarios in my head, sometimes… I feel like, what if I get cancer, would that knock some sense into everyone? Or if I was in a horrible accident. Even worse, and I so HATE to say this, it is such a horrible horrible thing to think, but I sometimes think… if my parents weren’t alive, I would so go ahead and be with him in any way I can.

This is how desperate i am right now, to be with my one…

I hope time will make things better. But I know time, and I know how I feel… and I have my doubts. Time fails me… life always fails me in these things.

And I really don’t know why! I think I would be an amazing wife and mother, we would have such a brilliant life together… I know it.

God please help me stop thinking that death would be so much better for me right now, than feeling this way.

I’m tired.

Day (more than 2 months later)

I know I will never get over this. For me, it is either you or no one. When someone finds the One, how can they settle with someone else? You are trying… and I found out about it. She is a BITCH (and you know why).

Anyway, the point here is, how does one learn to live with this… with the fact that they cannot be with the one they love? How does one learn to be numb, or shut off their emotions, and live life? I am not asking to be able to love again, I don’t want that… because there will never be anyone like you again, and it will never be anything like US again… I just want to be able to shut out this feeling, this misery, this feeling that is eating me alive from the inside out… and just BE.

For me, not having you, is like losing an arm and a leg… and learning to live while pretending like I didn’t. How?

I know you love me, I know this is hard on you like it is on me… I know. I just wish it was enough for you to just be with me, even if we never got married and had kids… I know it’s not what we wanted for us, we want our kids Y, Z, K and maybe M… but isn’t it better than nothing? I for one would be very satisfied… at least I have you, in whatever way… at least we are together.

I wish you didn’t quit so easily… I wish we could keep exploring different possibilities, regardless of whether we think right now that they are possible or not… at least never to give up.

You say you will not let this destroy us… I am sorry to break it to you, but it already did. I know this… you just don’t know it yet.

Dear God, thank you for giving me the opportunity to experience true love, and to have met such an amazing man who turned out to be my soulmate… but dear God, what did I ever do to deserve this pain I am feeling of being without him? Please, God… I know everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to be will be… but I beg you, please help shed some light on this, please help him find a solution and be willing to make the sacrifices, just like I am.

Dear God… please help.

Day 4…

I’m not seeing any improvement day to day, the pain is still very much the same and I miss you like crazy. You texted me yesterday… that you had this special dried meat from Switzerland for me if I’m interested… I could have been heartless and ignored you or just replied no thanks… but I was nice, and said thank you for thinking of me, but no thanks. You asked why, did I stop eating or am I on a diet or am I replying no out of sheer boycott… I replied that I am dieting, and eating with the parents nowadays, and will be fasting again soon… your reply was

I hate it when you text me. I get excited and nervous, and so very sad. But at the same time, I like it, because I know you are still thinking of me and I mean something to you.

You are posting about your trip next week… I miss our trips. I miss falling asleep in your arms and being awakened by your kisses all over my face… We had such amazing memories.

I am trying to block out the feelings, trying not to be sad… I am trying to take it out on the gym, hoping it would help me sleep… but that didn’t work yesterday. I couldn’t fall asleep, and kept imagining us together… and thankful that I made the most out of every second we were together… the memories and images keep rushing in my mind, and they break my heart over and over again.

I hope things will get better, I want to be better… I want to feel stronger to move on. I am not putting my hopes on the possibility of you changing your mind, because I don’t think you will. Because you are stubborn, and you will not sacrifice… maybe this is for the best.

Today gym again, and again, I hope I don’t see you, though I doubt. Today is the last day of the week… we usually do something. My heart aches with the thought that you may be doing something with another girl today.

I love you, but I hate you so much!

Day 3

Saw you at the gym yesterday… it was really hard. You came, you touched my hands as I was stretching… asked me how I was, how is my workout… told me to come say hi before I leave, you’ll be swimming… so I did. I was leaving, you asked didn’t I want to talk? What do you want to talk about?? You said anything, the weather… I told you it’s hot and walked off.

It really hurts… I am so so sad. I love you so much and I cannot do anything… how can you do this? God, I pray that you reach a point you can’t go on without me, that you come back with a solution so we can be together… you make me so happy. Now I have to learn to make myself just as happy, or at least try…. you are always on my mind.

Day 2 (never ending!)

I have never felt like this… my blood feels like fire in my body, my lungs, heart and soul feel like they are collapsing… I feel like I am bawling on the inside.

I pray to God, please, don’t be at the gym today… I really need this session, and I need not to see you. Please God.

Day 2 (still going on…)

I decided to set it straight. I sent you “You asked for space I am giving you space.” You ask, does that mean ignoring you? I replied… “You are doing what you need to do, so I need to do what I need to do. It is not ignoring, it is giving you space.”

You said… “Fine, I will disappear… but know that my heart is always with you and you are always on my mind, and I hope that time will show you a fairer picture of all of this.”

I don’t know what you mean by that, but I still think it is unfair you are saying it to me. I hope… to God… that at least you will let me be for a while so I can gather up the pieces of my heart and soul and try to stick them back together again… I am sad. This is wrong. But like a song says:

” And I can’t see today,
and I can’t see tomorrow…
You’re burning ouf of my head and my brain it’s going wrong.
But I will live today…
and I will love tomorrow…
no matter what is said or done, even if it’s going wrong.”

I will continue living… somehow. Because I CANNOT let this take me down. I just can’t.

Day 2 (still continued)…

You text me: “Don’t be like this, we r better than this… u want me to disappear? tell me…”

YOU are the one who wanted to disappear and wanted space…

I THOUGHT we were better than this, but obviously I was very wrong. I thought we were better than any one of us hurting the other this much and so intentionally… I thought we were better than anything that could keep us apart… I thought we were better in communication, understanding each other, loving each other and taking each other into consideration…

I was wrong.

And don’t dare say we are better than this… maybe I usually would be, but not anymore… not after all this.

I AM disappearing… you wanted space, here it is. What do you want from me??? You can’t keep saying one thing and then act the other way, or say you want to create space and see other girls, and then want to be in touch and tell me you love me. That’s bullshit. And you are hurting me by doing this… just get the message, and either change your mind or LET ME BE!

Day 2 (continued)

Wow, you couldn’t even wait a little bit before starting to date other girls… already adding them to you facebook, “Thank you for the most magical dinner ever!”

And you STILL want to be in touch… and you still say you “love” me?

FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 2…

Is not much easier than the first day. How can you send me a message saying you love me and always will???? You’re the one who is doing this and asking for this… YOU are the one who gave up on us, said you want SPACE and to see OTHER PEOPLE. And then you send me another text saying would I prefer to cut off completely?? WTF, are you fucking kidding me??????

I will NOT reply to you… I hope you are suffering, I hope it is eating away at your heart and soul… I hope you regret this forever!!!!

And if you end up realizing your big mistake, I hope you do it SOON and QUICK… because no matter how weak I seem, no matter how shattered and destroyed… I always pick myself back up. My mind is strong, I can imagine what I want out of life, what I need to feel and do, and eventually do it. So, if you are to realize your mistake, you better do it quick and redeem yourself and beg for forgiveness… and do WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE so we can be together… before it’s too late.

I’m going to the gym today, I am planning a serious session… I really hope not to run into you… but if I do, I don’t plan on talking to you. If you say hello, I will say hello back and continue doing what I need to do. I just really pray not to see you, I really don’t want to.

God help me and continue to give me strength to live through this and make me strong… help me continue my life in a productive way and not be pulled down by this.

I hate you. I really do. I hope you are SUFFERING and that this haunts you forever.

And don’t forget, this is what you wanted… this is what you asked for… so here you go, I’m giving it to you on a silver platter. BON APETIT!!!!!!